Carpe diem, aka you only live once

I have said that my relocation to Berlin, and the emergence of the internet, were two factors behind my decision to move on from torturing myself and actually to visit an SM studio. But whilst they facilitated the step, they weren’t the underlying reason.

 

The decision to try out a session at a studio with a real, live dominatrix was long in gestation, well prepared and thoroughly considered. It was not a “Schnappsidee” – a spur-of-the-moment alcohol-fuelled choice – but a sober decision.

 

The real reason I went up those stairs and nervously rang that bell was what we used to call “carpe diem” – “seize the day”, and nowadays is dubbed “FOMO” or “YOLO”. I was in my late thirties, and could now afford – just about – the fee. Life passes by so quickly, and I would rather regret things I have done than things I never got around to doing. So I seized the day. Had it been awful, it would have just been a slightly expensive half-hour of my life; were it to offer promise, it could lead to all sorts of new experiences.

 

If you’re someone who has fantasised about masochism but has never dared do it, I can only encourage you to give it a try. Look online for a domme who welcomes novices, and be honest with her. Don’t muck her around any more than you would muck any service provider around: like any professional, her time is money, and her patience is limited, especially as she will get all sorts of crap from time-wasting assholes.

 

But be frank and open. Don’t exaggerate or boast, but feel your way carefully and let her be your guide. She has seen it all before, of that you can be sure.

 

As with all social interactions, you should be respectful. (In my vanilla life, I tend to ignore job applications that start “Hi there, I’m looking for a job”.) It is no different here: you are initiating a professional relationship which needs to be one of mutual respect. In this case, though, one further point of politeness should be observed: whilst you might tell a musician you have contracted to play at an event “I’ve booked you for an hour”, that is an inappropriate phrase when making arrangements with someone providing sexual services. To avoid any hint of objectification, you should say something like “I’ve booked an hour of your time.”

 

You can use a pseudonym if it makes you feel more comfortable. But you can rely on the domme’s discretion: she already knows the secret kinks of quite a few men who would have plenty to lose if their secrets got out, and her business model is based on being absolutely discreet. For my part, I have always used my real given name, and have never had cause to regret it.

 

Apparently many newbies arrange a session, but then their courage fails them and they don’t show up. On the arranged day, you will – at least you should– be feeling terrified. You may have had a sleepless night. But even if you feel like backing out, I recommend that you go along and meet the dominatrix. Firstly, she has reserved time for you, so it is only fair to pay her for that time. And once you’re there, you will find it helpful to talk through your fantasies with someone who understands them, even if you don’t ultimately go through with them. It is better to talk than to run away, even if it seems like an expensive therapy session.

 

In fact, your fears will probably prove to be unfounded: according to a major, if dated, survey of West German masochists, the vast majority of respondents – including newbies – finish their session with a desire to repeat the experience (A. Spengler: Manifest sadomasochism of males: Results of an empirical study. In: Archives of Sexual Behavior; 6, 441-456, 1977).

 

This is because the vast majority of professional dominatrices are extremely sensitive to their clients’ needs: if you want to be whipped until you bleed, they will do that with great skill. But they will also display great skill and sensitivity in teasing out your deepest desires and helping you to fulfil them.

 

You only live once – don’t miss out.